Two things stress me TF out.
Relationships and Finances.

Financially, I've had high highs, and very low lows. But overall, I was always getting kicked down after taking risks and trying out different things and following my instincts, despite what some of my inner and outer circle of peers may think. Three layoffs in a row in a two year span is kind of fucking stressful, and something I never really talk about. It could be the state of humanity, where people tend to only focus and praise the positive things, but push the negative and tough things out of sight, which is very much how I deal with most things. With regards to career, I sometimes think, if only I had stayed in a standard 9-5 salaried job with stock options, paid vacation, bonuses and medical benefits, I'd be better off financially and a lot more prepared to take risks. But I’m stubborn. I march to my own beat, I dive into projects and opportunities that I am geeked about 200%, and always strive to do work that doesn’t drain my effing soul. But because of it, I was (and am) suffering financially and I didn't (and still don't) have a safety net. I have little to no savings, and if I fell, I’d fall all the way to the bottom and crash on a diet of KD and ramen, wearing no-name shoes from some off-the-rack discount warehouse. Tragic. And because I’m stubborn AF, I'm too proud to ask for help. I’m not great at accepting weakness and failure - I get embarrassed and often times its’ too late to fix things. I hide it, act like everything is okay, when its’ not. I’m working at changing this, but at 35 it’s discouraging and I often wonder if I am ever going to create the life I’ve always wanted. And by ‘life’, I don’t mean extravagant multi-million dollar homes and cars, I mean a life that is comfortable and sustainable where I can be fluid and flexible, so if I do fall - I have a safety net.

I can admit that I’ve made horrible financial choices, and I relate to that scene in Sex And The City where Carrie says
“I will literally be the old woman that lives in her shoes.”
$40K worth of fabulous designer shoes, and no place to live.

Yes, I own a lot of really expensive pairs of shoes. I remember the first time I saw a pair of Louboutins, I needed them. I bought my first pair for $800 in 2006 (and yes, in 2016 the price is $1K+, trust me I know), and didn't look back. My caviar taste in shoes was a glorious vain sickness. And I guarantee there are up to $40K worth of shoes + bags in my 575 sq. ft. shoebox of a home. Ironic. But, shoes don’t mean shit in terms of having valuable assets (aside: I read that a Chanel bag is a better investment than housing these days. Bloomberg says so.). I’ve always been a ‘here-and-now’ kind of person, but its’ not sustainable. Although I work and do work that is fulfilling and creative with hopes of a longterm payoff, sometimes we (more like 'I') need to look at the broader, bigger and more conservative (ew) future.

I'm working on it.

And i'm not relying on a dual income and some man to come in to solve my problems. I don't have a Mr. Big in my life to fund the shoe-closet dreams. But, I am working on saving, and not being so impulsive. I may even ask for financial planning help. Maybe.

P.S. I never talk about my relationship life. I'm guarded, and have major walls. That in itself is a whole other book that I may or may not be working on. You can also read about my insecurities here >

 

👠 EATING KD IN JIMMY CHOOS, KMV

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